Thursday, June 07, 2007

WANTED - Dead or Alive!


Rise, if you can believe that anyone heading south to beach and sun, would forget to pack a swimsuit, did. Forget to pack a swimsuit.

So one of our first gadabout adventures was a shopping trip. We had something frivolous in mind. In hot pink, or neon orange, or lime green. Sizzling. Tropical.

Store #1---nothing.
Store #2---nada.
Store #3---nulla.
Store #4---zero.
Store #5---zilch.

So we headed glumly to store #6. Which neccessitated crossing to the other side of the highway. The usual route was blocked by construction. Plan B was implemented. Drive to the light. Execute a U-turn. Wait patiently at the red. Then slowly, when it is safe to do so, make the u-turn.

"Are you allowed to do that?" enquires Rise, ever in search of knowledge.

"I think it's okay. Though now that you ask, I'm not a hundred percent sure."

We were about to find out. Shall I even bother to continue?

Bright red and blue lights were suddenly flashing in my rear view mirror. Simultaneously, a horrible sinking feeling settled in my gut.

"Rise," I whispered hoarsely. "There's a cop behind us. He's not coming after us, surely?"

He made no motion to pass, only came closer and closer. My gut was quaking now with dread. I pulled over on the shoulder. The last vestige of doubt evaporated as he tucked himself in neatly behind me.

A burly young whippersnapper got out. A well-fed representative of The LAW.

"You're being pulled over for executing an illegal u-turn back there ma'am," the young whippersnapper growled when he reached my window.

I babbled piteously. Something about the construction and the road that I normally use being blocked.

"Yes ma'am. Too many people have been making illegal turns at this intersection. We've had too many accidents. We have to crack down."
On the criminal element, who are causing mayhem in their quest for beauteous garments with which to disport their aged bones on the beach.

There are crack dealers out there.
Breakers and enterers.
Arsonists.
Crazed lunatics holding up terrified bank tellers at gunpoint.
Abductors of innocent children.
Murderers.
Rapists.
Dirty old men exposing their parts to unsuspecting virgins.

But, no. It was the last day of the month. Have to make our quota. Today, men, we're out to make the fastest buck we can. The honour of the Sherrif's Office rests on your shoulders.
Shake Joe and Josephine Ordinary Citizen out of their complacency.
Never mind the fellow speeding through the red light.
Never mind the guy holding up the bank.
See that woman in the green Ford? Making, nay,executing, a u-turn?She's the one we want. The criminal element, with the silvery hair and the shifty eyes.

"Nab her, boys!
What do you think the taxpayers are paying you for?
Huh?
To sit around eating donuts all day?
Hell, no!
We need to stamp out crime!
And we need to start at this intersection!"

"I don't suppose you could let me off with just a warning?" I ventured meekly.

"Sorry ma'am. You broke the law. "
I'm not feeling merciful today.
My groin itches.
Besides, you're not blonde, twenty, or buxom.

If ever I wished to be blonde, twenty, or buxom, this was the hour. This was the day.

"Your license and registration, ma'am?" he said, holding out a meaty paw.

I fumbled in my purse.
I rummaged in the glove compartment.
Thinking mutinous thoughts.

Produced the required documents. Proof that the shifty-eyed, menace-to-society look was just a halloween costume, getting an early airing.

"Wait here, ma'am."

Leaves us stewing in our own sweat while he returns to his vehicle.
To investigate my criminal history.

Fifteen long minutes later [they must have ALL the dirt on me], he swaggers to my window, again. He looks like he played football in high school. He looks like that wasn't very long ago. Like he only has to shave once a week. But he's got the disapproving frown down pat.

"Here's your citation, ma'am. You have thirty days to blah, blah, blah di blah....." He droned on.

I sat meekly.
Rise, mute beside me, exuded sympathy.

The final outrage?

"Have a good day, ma'am!"

"You too," I mumbled, insincerely.
And may a swarm of sticky lovebugs infest your windshield.
And may your groin continue to itch.
And may they be out of French cruellers when next you stop at the donut shop. And.....but never mind.

I was wrong.
I broke the law.
And now I have to pay.
Ochone, Ochone!

We did find a swimsuit, when we crept fearfully to store # 6.
A sober little black number.
A fitting choice.

26 comments:

daysgoby said...

You both are so beautiful!

Although that CAN'T be your mug shot pose....

Tanya Brown said...

Argh! Why couldn't Murphy's Law have reared its head in some more innocuous way?

You and Rise have the same smile. It's lovely and lovely to see.

Anonymous said...

whoopee does that mean we will get to see you and Rise on...Americas Worst Drivers....tv prog.in Aus. hahaha.
Love the photo.... aubirdwoman

meggie said...

Beaut photo! You do look like you are having fun! Leaving aside the execution of course!
It reminded me of my crime- performing an Intersection Choke!

Isabelle said...

Well, it's all very sad, but at least it stops me hating you for being SO SLIM!!! Oh, the injustice (of both the booking and the slimness). In my next life I shall be the sort of person who can cross her legs and still have both feet on the floor.

Now drive carefully in future. And please eat some really fattening stuff before you post any more photos of yourselves.

Stomper Girl said...

Oh Molly, what a bummer!! Apparently the thing to do in that situation is to cry. Because men hate crying. But this probably works better with older, fatherly cops rather than whippersnappers such as your policeman.

Thankyou for the photo! You do have the same smile as your sister.

mjd said...

Oh no, the long arm of the law stretched out and caught you. I am sorry Molly...but you have written a wonderfully funny post about the calamity.

I am glad to to see the two sisters together...a very nice picture.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Molly, I will miss visiting your blog and commenting but you understand that I cannot be associated with the criminal elements. Lol.

Hope the experience did not shake you up too much.

Aunty Evil said...

Well I am sorry, (putting on my most pious voice) but I am OUTRAGED!

Molly, you broke the law!

And all this time, I have been reading you, thinking you were nice, when really, you were a felon just waiting, lurking, for your opportunity to emerge.

And to think you dragged your poor, swimmerless, innocent sister into it with you. Didn't the fact that she didn't have the correct attire to go splashing indicate to you that she had suffered enough?

Well, I just don't know what to say.

In fact, I need a cup of tea and a lay down...

Such shenanigans!

Liz said...

I knew it was only a matter of time before they finally caught up with you. Wonder what goods he had on you that took him the full 15 minutes to read??? Probably has issues with his own mother.

Molly said...

I really am a law abiding citizen most of the time. But I have no luck. [In spite of being Irish!]If my lawn sprinklers are on for five minutes over the allotted time there will be a code enforcement officer at my door, waving a fine in my face. And yet, this a.m., on our run/bike ride, Rise and I passed at least three houses where the sprinklers were on full blast. At ten o'clock in the morning! And where were the code enforcement people?? Probably at Dunkin' Donuts with my young whippersnapper friend.......swigging coffee and tossing back cream puffs.

Isabelle---Rise and I are trying hard to make you happy. We eat bagels with lashings of cream cheese; we cook with butter; we made chocolate banana bread and have been ploughing through it; we bought napoleons at the bakery today; we use whole milk. None of your low fat substitutes here. But we can't seem to put on a pound. Our Dad used to say "you can't fatten thoroughbreds!" We have racehorse genes on one side of the family, and greyhound genes on the other. I really think there is no hope....but we are not quitters. We will keep trying. For you.

tracey petersen said...

I had the feeling that the two of you together in one country could get yourselves into strife, but I didn't think you would be so reckless as to make u-turn! It's a slippery slope from there to crack dealer, private parts exposure and arson. Thank goodness that officer stopped you before it went too far!

I hope that the swimsuit that you bought is worth more than the ticket will cost you.

seventh sister said...

Why didn't you just go without a suit? That would have given them something to cite you for.

Princess Banter said...

I so totally feel ya! I hate getting pulled over and especially getting a jerk for a police officer -- they really must be getting drunk with power. I'm sorry for that. Well, at least you found the swimsuit... A bit of consolation there. Sorta :)

Isabelle said...

Now look, Molly, there's no need to rub it in!!!

My mother is 8 stone (14 pounds in a stone so that's ... 112 pounds, is it?) I'm not allowed to hate her, because she's my mum, but you're not a blood relation... well, not a relation at all, now I come to think about it. So just cut it out!

I'm beginning to think that American justice is probably the finest in the world.

You two do have lovely smiles, but so would I if I could eat all that and still be slender...I'm glad to say that I don't know what a napoleon is but DON'T TELL ME. I'm imagining it's something made from some grumpy-looking fish. Or possibly offal. Well, you're welcome to that.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I love this post, although I'm truly sorry about the ticket. You have a wonderful way with words.

And they ALWAYS take 15 minutes to let the condemned prisoner brood on his wicked ways, and they ALWAYS wish you a good day after they have lifted their beefy leg on your tires.

Of course, if you had been Paris Hilton, you could have cried and slipped him donut money with impunity.

Lovely picture, ladies.

Kelli said...

I love the photo! But so sorry to hear about the ticket. They have no mercy sometimes, eh?

My float said...

I do hope you're suitably chastened! Imagine - doing something as BAD as a u-turn. Tsk tsk!

So glad the police are out there chasing the really bad guys!

jkhenson said...

You are such an excellent story teller!! I love reading your posts, although I am sorry to hear the beefy fellow issued you a citation! :)

Liz said...

I'm beginning to think you're truly on the lam. Post! Post! Post! It's been a whole week!

nutmeg said...

Yes. I'm with Liz. All this gadding about seems to have gone on long enough and may well have gone to your heads and not your thighs (like Isabelle I am truly jealous!)

Like you said - getting caught is purely luck and it was your day to be unlucky. Hopefully, it will be that cops turn to be unlucky tomorrow - though if any law enforcemnt personnel are reading this I do LOVE your work (just not that bit that involved Molly!) ;-)

ancient one said...

Hey...I had an experience like that about a year ago...except I was lost and trying to find my way. He said I almost ran him over at a stop sign back there... I said impossible, I've stopped at every sign and every road trying to find where I am... He asked me where I was going and he didn't know how to tell me to get there from where we were... went back to his car to get directions, came back and watched me write them down carefully... and sent me on my way ..with NO ticket... sometimes they feel sorry for the Ancient Ones!! LOL

Julie's journey said...

The outrage!!! Im sure it was only a little illegal u-turn. Didnt he know you were somebodys mother. How dare he or is it him? Hope it didnt spoil your day.

jkhenson said...

These smiles are contagious!
And, if you haven't been tagged and don't mind, I have tagged you for the one word answers. :)

Little Miss Moi said...

Dear molly. Ohh no. That's awful - so far I've never been pulled over by the police to be cited (only random breath tests and the like). But I've envisaged that, if it ever does happen, I'll just burst into tears of shame and fear!

Thimbleanna said...

Just found you via Isabelle. Aren't you and your sister cuties in that pic? And SO entertaining -- what a fabulous blog. Thanks for bringing a cheer to my day!