Married Woman with Five Children Eats Birthday Dinner Alone in the Company of Her Cat

I was appalled when I read this in the newspaper yesterday. Imagine! Apparently her birthday got off to a shaky start when no cup of tea was brought to her in bed. Gosh, even I know that is a key component of a proper birthday! The unidentified woman sighed, got up, made coffee and served a toasted bagel to the last child living at home. It was not toasted to his satisfaction and he minced no words in expressing his displeasure.

Well, Excuuuse me! If I'd been in her shoes I'd have given that wretched mollyspawn, oops, I mean upstart, a piece of my mind. I'd have shown him how that amazing gadget, a toaster, works, and told him to feel free to toast his own &*%#*$!ing bagel. But enough about what I would have done. The woman in our news item just held her tongue, but was later heard, by one of our on-the-spot reporters, muttering darkly about boiled eggs for dinner. ??? Let the PhDs in Ireland figure out that cryptic comment....

The bagel eater having left for work, our heroine proceeded to putter. And watch the phone. And will it to ring. But that pesky instrument was silent.

Deciding against the option of sitting home, pouting, the newly minted 59 year old rounded up a few quilty friends by phone, inviting them to bring a bag lunch and join her at the local public gardens. Where they sat and chatted under shady oaks and munched their lunch, surrounded by lovely growing things, with the little waterfall gurgling in the background. She did not advise them of the day that was in it, as that would have resulted in too much twittering, which was not the purpose of the exercise. The purpose of the exercise, she confided later to our O.T.S.R., was to spend time in the company of people who, erroneously perhaps, [though she basks in it anyway], think that she is wonderful. One is allowed, she opined, to be selfish on one's birthday, especially when the earth doesn't stop, as it should, and tip its hat to one.

Ruffled feathers somewhat smoothed, she wended her way homeward. And stopped in to see the elderly relatives, who at least have advanced age as an excuse for their faulty memories.

But! What's this? There were flowers on her doorstep and messages on her phone when she got home! And a big smile on her face when our reporters caught up with her for an up-date. She did not, she told them, waddle around like a goose who'd swallowed a basketball for forty five months of her life, develop stretch marks and varicose veins, and huff and puff through five labours, to be tossed aside like yesterday's junk mail at the end of it all. So, even though she did eat dinner with only the cat for company, she had a very nice day, thank you very much. When the bagel eater returned, [and it is well known he has the demeanor of a wounded bear when first he wakes],he swore to defend her against all comers.

She even spoke to him-who-swore-he-couldn't-live-without-her-but-now-seems-to-be-managing-that-feat-just-fine before turning in for the night.

This concludes the birthday rant for this year. The editors would like to thank all the reporters who threw their two cents in. There will be no further discussion of this subject on these pages until this time next year, when we will be revisiting the woman and her cat to see how they are coping with the big Six O. Do you think you can stand the suspense? Our reporters live only to bring you human interest stories such as this one . After all, it could even happen to you!