Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Mr. Fuzzy Britches, Guest Blogger

My suspicions were first aroused when she dragged a suitcase out of the closet and set it, open, on the floor.

"Oh, oh," I thought. "This does not bode well. This smells to me of Going Away!"

Now, I am a reasonable cat, but a creature of habit. I dislike disruptions to the normal rhythm of my life. Experience has taught me that suitcases on the floor, smelling of Going Away, are forerunners to disturbing disruptions.

From my perch on the bed I watch her antics with a jaundiced eye
"What should I take, Casper?' she asks me, distractedly, rummaging in the closet.

"Is it going to be Springy, (pretty chilly by Florida standards,) or still bloody freezing ? Should I pack jeans and fleeces, or T-shirts and capris, or boots and a woolly coat ?"

I lift one eyebrow.

 "Oh, you're right," she says. "I don't even own a pair of boots! My closet is not bloody-freezing friendly!"

I maintain a haughty silence. She is not going to draw me into conversation about Going Away in an effort to assuage her guilt. Being a more evolved species, I don't have to worry about what to pack, if and when I go away. I'm always perfectly dressed for any occasion, whatever the weather.

"Oh, come on Casper!" she says coaxingly. "Don't sulk! You'll have a lovely vacation down at school with the Bean."

While it's true that I love chilling with the Bean (he's my best bud), getting to his place at school gives one pause. Usually they have to play a trick on me. They open the window in the small bathroom, where I love to sit on the sill and spy on the birds, and after I'm lured in by the birdsong, snap! They shut the door. Too late I spot the cat cage on the floor! Tricked! I am then unceremoniously stuffed into this cage and carried to the garage. My wails of protest go unheeded....

"Oh hush your noise, Fuzzy Britches," they say, "You know you'll love it when you get there!"

And I do. I love nothing better than sitting nearby while the Bean studies for some exam or other. I purr in solidarity as he mutters darkly about professors, and quiz grades, and some qualification they all have---Piled-Higher-and-Deeper, I think he calls it. It's all Greek to me. I just purr to let him know whatever the battle, I'm on his side. And then there's the scratching and the wrestling, which I always enjoy, and sorely miss when I'm at home and he's at school.

She's the kind of packer who works better under pressure. So she decides to suspend operations. She has now decided to let the packing question marinate in her brain juices while she sleeps. But first a cup of cocoa. Somehow that always seems to calm her.

"And anyway," she says to me, as I follow her to the kitchen, hoping to guilt her into an extra helping of kibble, "We've all seen the OC pack. Five minutes, tops! If he can do it so can I!"

Absentmindedly, she pours some kibble into my bowl, though not too much (she's always worrying about my waistline.) I arch my back, curl my handsome (if I do say so myself) tail over my head, and head butt her leg as gracefully as it is possible to head butt some one's leg, and finally she remembers and bends over and scratches me behind the ear. Then I turn the other ear and lean in, to maximize the benefits of this little service I have trained her to provide. Then, satisfied for now, I turn my attention to the kibble.

At least I can look forward to some entertainment tomorrow as she scatters around like a mad woman, flinging random clothing items into the suitcase at the last minute and scattering out the door, in a scramble to get to the airport on time...... While I spit and hiss in the back of the Beanmobile on my way to what I know, after I get there, will be a nice change of pace, hanging with my Bean every day for a whole week. Ah bliss!

Now, if only I had opposable thumbs so I could shove that suitcase under the bed, and  not have to fret all night about the tricks that will be played in the morning!


Relatively Retiring said...

Best wishes to you in your hanging out, and safe journey to Her.

Elephant's Child said...

And Mr Fuzzy Britches she may worry about your weight but your apparell always fits. Can she say the same?

I hope that both of you have a wonderful vacation.

Gillie said...

You know you'll be fine, Mr F B, but you could have said where she's going, not my homeland? Oh, the lucky duck!

Thimbleanna said...

Ah, Mr. FuzzyBritches...you're one very lucky feline. Your friends up here end up going to that place where they keep other strange cats for a few days while their owners are out frolicking around. Have a wonderful time with the Bean. And hopefully, your sweet owner will have a great time too!

Lee said...

And just wait until you get back home...expect to be harshly reprimanded!

FB may not put up the fight expected; deciding to be haughty and go quietly for a change, just to confuse you - but never fear...there is much simmering going on beneath that stoic exterior!

Susan Kane said...

FB will get even, no doubt about that. And he will not give any indication that he is enjoying himself at any time. Cats. Thank God they do not have opposable thumbs--we'd all be dead.

Gillie said...

And another thing just occurred to me, Mr FB, WE to have to get into small (ish) metal cages to get to places and in the company of lots of other people, at least you get to ride in solitary splendor! So be grateful!

Pam said...

Oh, I do hope your person has a lovely trip! I wonder if the Bean can be hired for catsitting duties...?

raining sheep said...

So cute....my kitty Tencents probably has the same thoughts every time her human pulls a suitcase out :)

molly said...

Mr. Fuzzy Britches here. She who has abandoned me has ESP-ed me that she arrived safely to visit oldest son who has a birthday today. She reports that while it is wonderful to see him, he was unable to arrange for nice, Spring-like weather. It is cold and wet and, as feared, bloody freezing! She hopes to catch a glimpse of sunshine in the next few days, but is not holding her breath. I hate to sound mean, but karma gets you every time. Maybe she'll think twice before leaving me again!

StitchinByTheLake said...

I'm so jealous.....have a wonderful time! blessings, marlene

Wisewebwoman said...

Dear FB:

Those two-legged ones are deceptive.

I'm with you on the suitcase thing. I usually climb into hers and stubbornly refuse to leave. We're on to their tricks.

We shall overcome given time.


Pauline said...

I do hope your visit was a good one and that you did not freeze in the process. I was not home nearly as much as I hoped as there was a family emergency at daughter's and I had to return post haste. I'm sorry we could not connect. There will be more chances, I'm sure.

Pam said...

Come on, FB, the servant doesn't seem to be posting from her frozen fastness, so how about another guest post? You can type without opposable claws; you've proved this.

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Perhaps you can derive some small comfort from the fact that most of what She's packed will stay untouched in the suitcase till She's hauled it home .

Dee said...

Dear Casper, aka, Fuzzy Britches, your lament touches me deeply. Your life, despite the extra kibble and the promise of Bean's presence is surely hard. What you endure staggers the imagination.

I'm wondering if any of the humans in your home have ever read to you these two books: "A Cat's Life: Dulcy's Story" or "A Cat's Legacy: Dulcy's Story." I lived with Dulcy for 17 1/2 years and she and you are really soul mates!

Maggie, Ellie, and Matthew with whom I live now send you their best meows and admire your fortitude. I send you peace in the midst of your struggle to train those humans.